BLOGGER CONTEST: Patrick Barker helps the Cats cheat

It’s no secret we’ve lost to Florida. A lot. 22 consecutive years to be exact. That’s good for the second longest active losing streak in the country. Do you realize we’ve seen the creation of 34 new countries since that day, November 15, 1986? Do you also realize I had just gotten my first original Nintendo and was watching Thundercats on Saturday mornings and I was still a decade away from my first America Online CD with 1000 free hours. Point is, it’s been a long time. And, unfortunately, it seems like it’s going to be at least another year before that streak is broken.

You see, I’m a realist. Sure, I want the Cats to win and will be there Saturday cheering my hardest for them to do so. But Florida is good. Really good. Near unanimous #1, defending National Champions and just a little pissed off after their showing last week against Tennessee. And it would take no less than a Herculean effort from Papaw & Co. to knock the Gators from their perch. Can it be done? Of course it can. Will it? Despite the blue blood that runs through my veins, I doubt it. The way I see it, we stand a chance if we can hang around until the fourth quarter. But, as evidenced by last year, we can’t always keep it close. So I am going to propose we use some subversion tactics against the Gators. Now, you might say to me that “subversion tactics” are just a fancy way of saying “cheating”, and you know what? You’re right. But never mind that. We have to find a way to stick around until the 4th quarter. The following are my suggestions. I would welcome any more.

1. I don’t know if you heard or not, but Commonwealth Stadium’s keeper of the clock is rarely paying attention. I’d say being called out three times by the on-field referee in one game and possibly costing the Cats another play before the half proves you should probably be keeping the clock in the Pioneer League. But where everyone else sees a problem, I see an opportunity. While he’s (obviously) not paying attention, a little score tweak here and a little “clock management” there and BAM! We’re right back in the thing.

2. Florida players LOVE credit cards. Especially credit cards that belong to other people. Doesn’t even matter if the people are deceased or not. What we’ll do is give all our RBs and WRs fake credit cards they can “drop” when tackled. I say the temptation proves to be too much and Florida’s safety leaves Chris Matthews or Randall Cobb open over and over while he tries to fill up his car with gas.

3. What’s Tim Tebow’s kryptonite? The site of pretty ladies on the sideline? Doubtful. Quarterback pressure in the pocket? Of course not. The sound of Newsboys and DC Talk wafting from the (much improved) UK marching band? Sadly, no. So I’m currently trying to round up all uncircumcised Filipino children in the area to stand on the 45 and look in desperate need of help. If you know one of these children, please email me.

4. The Wildcat offense is the hottest thing in football right now. The only problem with that is that people are learning how to defend it. That’s why I suggest we go to the A-11 spread where all 11 players are eligible receivers. Florida would have no answer for this. The beauty of it is that Jorge Gonzalez could be our leading receiver. Unfortunately, just as Florida wouldn’t know how to defend, 2 days is hardly enough to learn to execute. But hey, it could be fun to watch.

5. In case options 1-4 don’t work out for us, fear not, loyal reader. I have a fail-safe plan. I’m sure you’ve thought of it already. That’s right. Game Genie. We all used Game Genie back in our youths to override the Nintendo system and cheat to win games. I’m fairly certain that it would work with UK football, too. Trevard Lindley would just tuck it into his shoulder pads, and when Tebow drops back to pass, pull it out, blow on the cartridge and pop it in. Bingo. Interception every time. Why has no one thought of this before?

Of course, here’s to not having to use “subversion tactics”. I’d much rather see Micah lay out Tebow on the first series and let that set the tone for the rest of the game. I hope the streak ends Saturday. I could think of nothing better. But in all reality, it probably won’t. That’s alright, though. I’ll still be there in Section 210, Row 18, Seat 10- same place I am every game this season (stop by and say hello!), cheering my loudest because I am a Kentucky fan win or lose. Go Cats.