Now Accepting Applications

I found myself today, like many unemployed people, looking through the classifieds in search of a job. I stumbled across one that struck my interest: Assistant Basketball Coach. The University of Kentucky is now accepting applications online for the newly void positions. I got to thinking, maybe I can do this. I thought of my own credentials. Not trying to brag here, but I coached the 9-12 Idle Hour Cardinals to the league championship this summer, and my girls’ flag-football team won the UK championship. Yep, that’s two-for-two for those of you counting. Speaking of counting, I’m pretty good at that too, notably, the difference between 13 and 30. After watching last year’s assistant coaches, I don’t really see what else they did. And I’ll give a Joe Namath guarantee that I will fill out every lineup card for the rest of my career to the best of my ability and that no 5’5” walk-on will ever accidentally start in the NCAA Tournament again. While filling out the application, I ran into some tough questions. Education? Check, eventually I’ll be a UK grad, and we all love alums coaching. Priors? Nope, felonies free for now. Professional Licenses/Certification? Yep, I sure do have a valid driver’s license. References? My roommate knows a lot about basketball, and he thinks I would be better recruiting than Hanson. I know all the latest dance moves (the Heisman anyone?). College basketball knowledge? Let us not forget who is in possession of a bracket in the 98.8th percentile on ESPN.com (wouldn’t it be fun to see how the ‘expert’ ESPN boys did on theirs?). Hansen, Hobbs and Rigot will all be paid through June, so I even agreed to coach till then for free. Scott Stricklin was quoted as saying “We really don’t have a staff right now…they are not performing any duties right now.” Well neither am I. So now it’s up to the powers to be to review my application and get back to me. At least you can’t say I didn’t try. Now it's your turn.